A question was posed...
“Would you be happy if you did not see me again?
To which the reply was …
“Life...”
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01:29am:
On the bad days. The really bad days that you may not forget even if many years has passed by. I would feel like I’m in hell, in constant torment created by who else but myself. Maybe, even you, and the others... I would feel so stupid for having ever agreed to get married. God why? Why? I was young and naïve. You questioned my reasons but little did you know I was already too far gone, promises were already made. Maybe in another life me and you could have...
What makes me stop crying and start feeling more fulfilled rather than victimised is deep down, deep within my heart, deep within my soul I know that I deserve this.
I deserve the bad days for all the wrong I did. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I kept telling myself this is the last time. After this I am done, I will be a faithful woman, a woman of honour and integrity. I was wrong, I thought constantly fighting my yang and supressing my inner darkness would make up for my past, but it didn’t. The truth is, I do think about you. More than you know.
Sorry I know its too late to be saying all this.
This is what I think. I think that God makes somedays (especially the days that are supposed to go well) turn into turmoil because He is punishing me. Punishing me for many unspecified reasons. Is it because of you? I don't know... Anyway this is what takes me from sobbing to a crooked smile again. I do hope you remember my smile. I miss the comforting silence. Even if you don’t reply, I know you mean well and I know you still think of me as I of you.
Anyway I hope you find some usefulness in my pain...
Maybe I am going through all of this only for you to write about it... I loved the last one and it wasn’t a lie for me. I was just too far gone... I hope you understand. If this does make it into your book then at least I know my pain is for a reason and its useful to you which I find comfort in. Who would have know the very first day we met at the station it would end like this... or start... who knows...
How can you tell if you’re putting so much pressure on yourself? I don’t know
By the way when I say “I smile after I realise I deserve it” I don’t mean smile as in “phew good on me”... No, that smile is a pity smile. I pity myself because I think that my own actions somehow brought this upon myself. Whether it be my actions with this person or my actions before this person aka karma.
May there will be a next time... Maybe not. I have to go now x